How a bit of technology can cripple the male society in the UK. And maybe kill us too.
LONDON, ENGLAND (Spetnik.com) - The men in England are done for. They are doomed. They are about to lose the will to live. They will be spending the rest of their lives doing what they fear most: shopping. And responsible for this is one selfish, greedy, soon-to-be lynched jerk, named Murray Laidlaw.

Murray Laidlaw has just been given a 30,000-pound government grant to develop a GPS (Global Positioning system) device to help shoppers find products in stores. These devices will be affixed to shopping carts, and will display arrows to guide shoppers towards the product.

Now, you may wonder, “Why is this so terrible? In fact, it sounds like a pretty neat idea!” If you are wondering this, it is probably either a sign that you are a woman, or for some other reason, not male. You see, until now, men have had it pretty easy. We go shopping once in our life, screw it up really badly and are asked never to do it again. Now, all this is about to change. Women will be once again sending men to the stores, thinking that because of a revolutionary new satellite device we will be able to find what we need in stores.

Although this may seem scary to some men, I am confident this will fail. I don’t believe that a simple electronic shopping cart device that will probably be found to cause cancer in lab rats can cure Male Shopping Syndrome (MSS). Even if men would be able to find products in the stores, they would suddenly forget how to get to the stores. Or even better, be asked never to return to stores.

Men are not supposed to shop. It is dangerous for them. I went shopping once. I was stuck for hours looking for what I needed. Why can’t the stores stock shelves in alphabetical order? Why can’t soap, shampoo, and deodorant all be in the same aisle? I’ll tell you why. Because men are not supposed to be shopping. Our brains are not wired for the task. If we want to go to the store, it will be a large store with high ceilings and products like lumber, chainsaws, and sawdust. Or we can go to RadioShack or a car dealership. But that’s it. We cannot shop for what women refer to as “necessities”. As one of my favorite beer commercials once demonstrated, we value beer over toilet paper. Now, is that the kind of person you want choosing your basic toiletries?

Looking back at what I’ve written so far, I noticed something about these GPS devices causing cancer in laboratory rats (not to be confused with lavatory rats, which act as carriers for diseases, but do not in-fact get sick themselves). This is very alarming. How did these devices get approved? What is it going to take to keep cancerous devices out of our hands? Are cigarettes not enough? I like cigarettes. They come in a little box, which, if you want cancer, you can buy, and otherwise, you can stay cancer-free. But why must we, people who don’t want cancer, be forced to use these cancer-inducing shopping carts? Are they going to give us gamma suits to wear when we push around these carts? Why are they called gamma suits? And do they really work? Can I smoke when wearing one? How much do they cost?

About the Author

Aaron currently works as a software/web developer and writes in his free time. He also runs a growing web-based discussion forum at http://www.chitchatforums.com. His personal work is on display at http://www.spetnik.com.