I have heard the rumblings of many of you in
Readerland about the recent spike in
gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to
hear about lately. But at least it keeps you
from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns
and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to
try to help you get through this crisis by
generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising
Gas Prices!

1. Don't Drive Your Car

This is, of course, the most obvious solution.
If you never take the old Plymouth out the
driveway, then it won't matter that at current
gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less.

Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But
Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And
the kids have school and soccer practice. And
then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons
and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah
and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can
sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer?

2. Carpool

It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of
using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs to cruise the mall. It's so simple.

Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that
everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it so that the other
carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:

(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it
looking and smelling like the county landfill.

(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper.

(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc.

(d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud!

You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again.

3. Ride the Bus/Subway

Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:

1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you.

2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you.

3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back.

4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging.

5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material.

Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer
concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple 'thank you' next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...

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Tim Ward invites you to visit: http://www.timward.1afm.com to
signup for his hilarious humor
column 'I Never Said I Was Normal'